I don't wanna die (sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all)

Don't have much to say or post these days. I guess these describe the mood and current circumstances quite accurately:

I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
baby I just know that there is

You can't start a fire
you can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older
there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
come on baby this laugh's on me

Stay on the streets of this town
and they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
come on now baby gimme just one look

You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Random fact: When I was 3 years old and blazing a trail through the house on my tricycle, I always thought they were dancing in the 'duck'.....

The Great Gig in the Sky

So due to straitened financial means (I won't get started on my job and my f*#@ing bosses, who, incidentally, don't pay me enough), Goa became Poona. The little bit of silver lining in my otherwise dark cloud was that I hot-boxed my car during the drive both ways. Road trips (although admittedly this was a short one) are also a fantastic way to listen to music. I'm quite the one for expanding horizons. Although sometimes I fear I've expanded mine a tad too far, I scare myself.

I've gone back to this feeling I had some time ago of not quite believing what I see. Like I'm waiting for the world to sort've dissolve and reveal sheer nothingness. This sounds very Matrix-like, I am aware. The thing is, I can't help wondering how much of this stuff really exists - and it's not just the physical world (although I've questioned that and continue to). Take love, for example. One school of thought says it's as real as anything you can see, because you can feel it. Whch makes sense to an extent, but how many people haven't wondered at some point if it isn't just in their head? Extend that to all our other feelings - hatred, compassion, loneliness, whatever - and think about how much our society and each of our lives depend on these things. What if they just don't exist?

On a completely unrelated note, more on my continuing tryst with God: I've been wondering a lot recently about whether what's happened with R is punishment for something. I won't say what, save that I should never have fallen in love with her in the first place. My silence on the subject makes the whole punishment thing really hard to understand, but I'm putting it up here because the idea of it fascinates me. It's elegant, orchestrated even. Like it's doomed, it'll never happen. And the punishment is one that I inflict upon myself until I choose not to, but I will continue to until I let it go. Most people think I'm nuts for believing this, but it makes so much sense to me, I can't even explain how much or why. It's like quicksand; you're fine unless you start to struggle. My picture of God is (partially, the view is warped now) this sort of system, like one of those kiddie mystery books (If you choose this, turn to page so-and-so). In short, poetic justice.

This time, the joker has words of wisdom of his own: When you're being fucked by a train, getting out of the way is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do.

The voice in his head (not to be outdone), cackles gleefully and replies: 'Bend over, you know you like it.........'

A Great Day For Freedom (Death to the tyrant!)

so i've been hearing that i'm arrogant. from a lot of people who know me well. and i know they're right. there's too much shit happening these days, i've become opinionated and foul tempered. so i've decided that the blood of the aristocracy must flow through the streets, so to speak - i don't know everything and i need to figure shit out. the plan is goa, books, music, meditation and mary jane. i shall return. well okay, that was a little dramatic, goa is probably next weekend, but even so, i feel like:

So ya

Thought ya

Might like to go to the show.

To feel the warm thrill of confusion,

That space cadet glow.

I've got some bad news for you sunshine,

Pink isn't well he stayed back at the hotel,

And they sent us along as a surrogate band:

We're going to find out where you fans really stand!

Are there any queers in the theatre tonight?

Get 'em up against the wall.

There's one in the spotlight,

He don't look right to me.

Get him up against the wall.

That one looks Jewish,

And that one's a coon,

Who let all this riff raff into the room?

There's one smoking a joint,

And another with spots.

If I had my way

I'd have all of them shot.

in the flesh (the floydian-isms continue).

Give Peace a Chance (Just a little pin prick...)

A funny thought: being in love with someone is like being a helium balloon. You're in a child's hands, being inflated, and you feel great, you're getting bigger and bigger and bigger and then POP! HAAHAHAHA! It isn't funny if you're the balloon. Fucking kids with their pins.

Joan was quizzical, studied pataphysical
Science in the home
Late nights all alone with a test-tube
Ohh-oh-oh-oh...
Maxwell Edison majoring in medicine
Calls her on the phone
"Can I take you out to the pictures
Joa-oa-oa-oan?"
But as she's getting ready to go
A knock comes on the door...


Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead


Back in school again
Maxwell plays the fool again
Teacher gets annoyed
Wishing to avoid an unpleasant sce-e-e-ene
She tells Max to stay when the class has gone away
So he waits behind
Writing 50 times "I must not be so-o-o-oo..."
But when she turns her back on the boy
He creeps up from behind:


Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead


P.C. Thirty-One said "we caught a dirty one"
Maxwell stands alone
Painting testimonial pictures ohh-oh-oh-oh
Rose and Valerie screaming from the gallery
Say he must go free (Maxwell must go free)
The judge does not agree and he tells them so-o-o-oo
But as the words are leaving his lips
A noise comes from behind


Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon his head
Bang, Bang, Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that he was dead

Empty Spaces.......

I've had the makings of this idea in my head for awhile now, and I've mentioned before about feeling blank. Something about what's happened with R have made my head sort've cave in and I'm unable to reason anymore. My reasoning powers have always been the proverbial 'blessing and a curse'. On one level I hate them - I think too much, often to the point where it hurts, andI can't shut my fucking mind down when I want to. On another, I'm proud of them - I'm intellectually arrogant, and proud of it - and I love that noone can give me a view on something that I haven't already thought of and taken three levels deeper. My mind is trained to it, automatically now - I don't explicitly think of the obvious anymore, I hardly ever state it (unless I make a conscious effort to), and only say things that noone else has thought of, which they alternately describe as brilliant or mad. Another thing is that I've realised how much I unconsciously rely on intuition - rationalisation always comes later (I don't know how much this applies to everyone else, opinions?). These days, I'm unable to think things through. The intuition works, but somehow I can't rationalise it, which makes me uncomfortable. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm far from being over my angst - more so now because I feel something I haven't felt in years: utter confusion. In the recent past, I've felt angry, misunderstood, whatever - but I had enough conviction to say 'this is who I am, and this is what I think'. It scares me that I don't know anymore. Apologies if this one is a little intense.

The sound you make is muzak to my ears.....

The only somewhat interesting tidbit I have is a conversation I had with a friend last night on the subject of music. Said friend, in case she is reading (or even if she isn't), is one of the coolest people I know and I lurve her. So the debate, which was raging, well not really raging but sort've idly meandering....... this-is-a-long-sentence-purely-for-the-fuck-of-it-because-i'm-a-stubborn-bastard-yah! fuck. okay back to the debate. So her take was that music can sometimes make you feel alone. which is valid for various reasons, firstly because there are some songs that just amplify your single-ness because you wish you had someone worth sharing them with. besides which, we all have our own interpretations of the music we hear, and those interpretations often lead us further down our paths of fucked-upness (or personal hell, if you prefer). The other side is the way I've always felt - interpretations aside, music makes me feel like i'm not alone. I've had too many instances when I've launched into discussions about things that I think are pressing issues, only to be met with 'Yeah.' or 'You're crazy'. I feel misunderstood and misjudged a lot of the time, and music just helps me realise that even if I am nuts, I'm not the only one. Which is why:

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon

And if there is no room upon the hill

And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too

Ill see you on the dark side of the moon

I know, I've used that one before and I agree that I totally suck. It just fit. Anyway, just so that you lot don't get bitchy, here's another all time favourite:

Some time ago a crazy dream came to me,

I dreamt I was walkin' into World War Three,

I went to the doctor the very next day

To see what kinda words he could say.

He said it was a bad dream.

I wouldn't worry 'bout it none, though,

They were only dreams and they're only in yer head.

I said, "Hold it, Doc, a World War passed through my brain."

He said, "Nurse, get your pad, this boy's insane,"

He grabbed my arm, I said "Ouch!"

As I landed on the psychiatric couch,

He said, "Tell me about it."

Well, the whole thing started at 3 o'clock fast,

It was all over by quarter past.

I was down in the sewer with some little lover

When I peeked out from a manhole cover

Wondering who turned the lights on.

Well, I got up and walked around

And up and down the lonesome town.

I stood a-wondering which way to go,

I lit a cigarette on a parking meter

And walked on down the road.

It was a normal day.

Well, I rung the fallout shelter bell

And I leaned my head and I gave a yell,

"Give me a string bean, I'm a hungry man."

A shotgun fired and away I ran.

I don't blame them too much though,

I know I look funny.

Down at the corner by a hot-dog stand

I seen a man, I said, "Howdy friend,

I guess there's just us two."

He screamed a bit and away he flew.

Thought I was a Communist.

Well, I spied a girl and before she could leave,

I said "Let's go and play Adam and Eve."

I took her by the hand and my heart it was thumpin'

She said, "Hey man, you crazy or sumpin',

You see what happened last time they started."

Well, I seen a Cadillac window uptown

And there was nobody aroun',

I got into the driver's seat

And I drove down 42nd Street.

In my Cadillac.

Good car to drive after a war.

Well, I remember seein' some ads,

So I turned on my Conelrad.

But I didn't pay my Con Ed bill,

So the radio didn't work so well.

Turned on my record player.

It was Rock-A-Day, Johnny singin',

"Tell Your Ma, Tell Your Pa,

Our Love's A-Gonna Grow Ooh-wah, Ooh-wah."

I was feelin' kinda lonesome and blue,

I needed somebody to talk to.

So I called up the operator of time

Just to hear a voice of some kind.

"When you hear the beep

It will be three o'clock,"

She said that for over an hour

And then I hung up.

Well, the doctor interrupted me just about then,

Sayin, "Hey I've been havin' the same old dreams,

But mine was a little different you see:

I dreamt that the only person left after the war was me.

I didn't see you around.

"Well, some time's passed and now it seems

Everybody's having them dreams.

Everybody sees themselves walkin' around with no one else.

Half of the people can be part right all of the time,

Some of the people can be all right part of the time.

But all the people can't be all right all the time

I think Abraham Lincoln said that.

"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours."

I said that.

- You can't argue with Dylan man........

take me to your leader...

life goes on....somehow my brain has shut down, after getting all intense on me a little while ago. it's 3 am, i'm tired but i feel like taking a hot shower before i sleep. it seems like the perfect cap on an evening of whatever-it-was, fun but somehow unsatisfying. i'm sitting back and all the answers seem to be arranged in a straight line before me, i've thought about everything, i've formed my opinions, i've rationalised and possibly am even being practical, which is a bigger step for me than most know. it's like i've realised the part of me that doesn't even care anymore, not about R, not about anything. or actually it isn't everything, i think i'm tired of being discontented, of wanting and not having whatever it is that i want and don't have. i've drifted into numbness, and through it into acceptance. there's something about this time of night, accompanied by the four walls of my room and what could crudely be described as 'all my shit' - it lets me tune the world out, like it isn't real, like none of this has happened, all the complications evaporate.......and the voice in my head sounds familiar, it sounds like me. i'm glad we're talking again.